One of the most exciting events yet to come this year is becoming a student midwife in September. I cannot convey how proud I am of myself and excited I am for this journey. I spent a lot of time during maternity leave trying to work out what I wanted to do with my life career wise. When I first had my son, I talked about amazing it would be to be a midwife, how I could help women have a better experience that myself. However, that seemed like fantasy talk.
Then I progressed into event planning after i got engaged. Whilst this seems whimsical and maybe it was. I did two online training courses for it, put in the work to build my knowledge and website. Had many client meetings, but some didn't go through due to COVID, others I turned down because I was worried about them trying to break COVID regulations, choosing responsibility to my family and country. (That sounded ridiculously patriotic). Knowing that my company wouldn't take off during these times, it was time for a new dream. Applying for jobs, trying to figure out what I wanted from life.
Time was moving very quickly, late August, early September 2020, we had a birth debrief. It left me with more pain, sadness, anger. A rush of all these feelings, because all they could say to me was "Sorry, it shouldn't of happened". That response to everything was crushing, I knew it shouldn't of happened, I wanted to know why it did. The midwife, though lovely, wasn't there and notes were not extensive enough, no one involved was there. Granted she said she would talk to them and provide training. I still didn't have an understanding as to why I had to go through what I did.
This does not mean I regret a moment of it, I certainly don't. I adore my son, never felt any resentment towards him or anyone for the labour and birth. However, I did and still do feel a sense of loss and mourning for all the things I didn't get to do. His first hold, second hold, first feed, first nappy, first getting him dressed, even winding him. Simple things that make all the difference.
It was after this debrief and an increase of these feelings that I decided to apply to university to try and become a midwife. I took an Introduction to Midwifery course to help me get into university, to give me that basic knowledge. Hours of writing my personal statement, getting a reference prepping for interviews and entrance essays. Waiting and waiting for news of interviews and then news of whether or not I got in.
To put it into proportion, Manchester University said per year, they receive up to 10,000 applications for Midwifery, they only allow 40 on to the course. This is the average for all top Universities, like Salford, though this year it has increased to 80 placements, those are some tough odds.
I did it though, I beat nearly 10,000 other applications and got a spot at one of the top Midwifery courses in the UK. That knowledge, that feeling, makes me want to cry every time I think about it, because for once, I am proud of what I have accomplished. I think what adds to that, is the fact I am doing it because I want to, I am finally chasing my dreams. Being an example to my son that it is never too late to change your mind and start over.
I have two unconditional placements at two universities to study midwifery. Nothing will change that now. I for once know what it is to be excited over going to study or work, because its something I feel strongly about. I have started conversing with some of the women that have also got onto the course, most around my age and with children. I feel like I fit in with them and we never run out of things to talk about.
I have never had so much confidence in my social ability or academic ability or even in myself. I feel happy.
I am officially registered student midwife with the Royal College of Midwives.